I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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