I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Four minutes until I can fart!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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