I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
