Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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