I'm gonna have a badass scar
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
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