Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
