I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
