You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
