I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
