i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
