I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize