I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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