i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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