Can Purell be used as lube?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you had me at cake vodka
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
