Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
