i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
