I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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