I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
