hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
