dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
