i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
