btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I don't think brook has ever known best
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize