My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
