I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
