i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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