Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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