Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
