I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
