We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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