non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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