you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
