i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
