Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
