Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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