We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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