Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
