I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
