I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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