So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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