Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
