DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize