She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize