Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
