i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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