I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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