JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
