I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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