Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
