come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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