I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize