I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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