im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
