The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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