the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
