Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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