can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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