i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
